carriexox

i just took like a four hour nap

Last night, I dreamt that I was pregnant. It wasn’t a crisis, I was 28 and married to a gorgeous man who worked as an architect, I as a literature professor at a local university. We had travelled to a few landmarks, I had seen a decent amount of the world, and I felt I was ready to settle down. The pregnancy wasn’t traumatic at all; mood swings, extreme weight gain, and food cravings never had an impact on me. I was nervous as we grew closer to the due date, and finally the day came. Giving birth wasn’t painful (yet it would be in real life) and my child was beautiful. But when the doctors set him into my tired arms, the unorthodox happened. I felt a wave of disappointment that I had given my life to this child, that over the past 9 months I was unaware that I had been slowly signing my freedom and dreams of world travel away, devoting myself to raising this human being for 18 years, 18 years that I could do so much more for the world than fuck up a person.  I wasn’t patient enough, maternal enough, protective enough, responsible enough, WILLING, to throw my life away. I had gone through all the hard work of pregnancy for nothing, I never had wanted this child. Tears cascaded down my face, my husband’s smile vanishing, his expression distorted with confusion. My heart sunk; I knew how much he wanted this for us both, to start a family. So I shrugged and said, “He’s just so perfect, it’s overwhelming.” His face released of tension, and I plastered a fake smile on my own for pictures.

to this day, this dream haunts me.